Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dark Cloud

 It is hard to admit depression. It is also hard for me to admit depression. The reality is Multiple Sclerosis is pretty good at causing it. It is very common to be depressed with MS. The reasons are obvious.

I remember a few years back, I was in the doctors office and he was trying to tell me that I needed to be on an anti-depressant. Maybe I did? But at the time I just didn't like the fact that someone was telling me that I was depressed! I always considered myself to be a happy person, maybe emotional, but certainly not depressed. I didn't take the doctors advice and well I think I was fine.

But lately, I'm not so sure that I'm fine. In fact the last three days I have barely opened my eyes. I have been sleeping constantly. I'm just really feeling blah about everything.

 We had a meeting at work the other morning, during one of my few awake moments. A man came to talk to us about saving for retirement. He was listing ages of retirement, and I was sitting there thinking that my body is already ready to retire at 25 and 75 is a long ways away. It was so hard for me to be positive, because I've been missing so much work, and work itself has become so much more difficult. I couldn't help but think of the worst. I may not be able to work long enough to "retire"

I feel really defeated. I have a doctors appointment at the end of the month, I think It could be time to ask for that anti-depressant I turned down a few years ago.


  1. Hang in there, Meg. Sending blankets of love and support to wrap you in... I've been in the pit of depression you're describing (you can probably guess when), and it is the hardest thing in the world to claw your way out. If you do take your dr. up on his advice, my suggestion is to keep it to a mild dose. I felt like an emotionless zombie for awhile when on them, and had to cut back. So just give yourself a little "juice" to let your natural optimism kick back in. :) You are one special woman, and you are LOVED.

    love and light,
    // Lisa

  2. It makes me so sad to see you in this state of mind. Ponies how the cold dreary weather, trouble at work and most of all the MS cantake it's toll on you. Just try to remember how you are blessed with good looks, inteligence, avoid man who obviously cherished you and a family that loves you dearly.
    I hope you can find your way out of this darkness and I can see my beautiful, HAPPY niece soon..
    Love you!
    Uncle Dave

  3. I hate word-correct! It should be "l know" not ponies and " a good man" not avoid man.

  4. I found myself in the same boat you are in about a year ago. My Doctor's had been suggesting meds over and over but I kept refusing too. I finally hit a brick wall and couldn't manage to get myself over it and it was one of the hardest decisions I had to make to ask my doctor to try the meds. I have found that a very low dose was enough to help me get things back on track and I don't regret the decision to accept a little extra help. And, even if you do take medicine to help during the hard times doesn't mean you aren't or can't be a happy person! These darn diseases are hard to live with and no one is going to fault you for wanting to take control of your life again.

  5. Thank you all for the support :)